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Every year, someone on your list says, “Oh, don’t get me anything.” And every year, they mean it. They already have the boat. They have the boat’s boat. They have a guy who handles the boat’s boat.
So we went looking for the gifts that answer a question nobody asked. Some are breathtaking. Some are deranged. All of them are real, and all of them carry the same official rating: Necessity: 0%.
Taste is overrated. Let’s shop.
The Headliners
The Leather Pool Table
Hermès Off Piste 9-Foot American Pool Table Reported at $265,400
A full-size pool table wrapped in matte leather, with four cues, a chalk cube and a set of cheerfully colored balls. It is, technically, a game. It is also a room’s entire personality.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Scratch on the 8-ball and you’re scratching a quarter-million dollars of calfskin.
The Hammock
Louis Vuitton Hammock by Atelier Oï $49,500
A hand-woven leather hammock for the outdoorsy type who still wants the monogram to come camping. Strung between two trees, it is the most expensive thing in the forest, including the forest.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: For roughing it, but make it monogrammed.
The Dog Collar
The “Amour, Amour” Collar Reported at $3.2 million. Not for sale, sadly.
Roughly 1,600 diamonds, more than 52 carats in total, a 7-carat flawless centerpiece, crocodile leather and 18-karat white gold. Television once called it the Bugatti of dog collars. Your dog has no idea what a Bugatti is.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Your dog will still eat a sock.
The Skateboard
Louis Vuitton Skateboard and Strap $5,450
A maple deck with a mirrored chrome underside, a Monogram grip and a made-to-measure leather strap for carrying it, since you will not be riding it.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Kickflips void the warranty, spiritually.
The Foosball Table
Hermès Foosball Table $192,900
Hand-painted metal players, chrome bars, a leather playing field and calfskin in five colors, including one Hermès calls Rose Sakura. It weighs 352 pounds. The case adds another 137, because of course it has a case.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Spinning is still illegal. Nobody will say it to your face.
The Robot Dog
Unitree Go2 Robot Dog $3,999
An AI-powered dog that climbs stairs, follows voice commands and walks itself. It will never shed, never bark at the mail carrier and never love you back. Some people call that a dream.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: It walks itself. Finally, a dog that respects your time.
The Scooter
Vespa 946 Horse $13,649
A numbered, limited-edition Vespa for the Year of the Horse, in a deep brown the factory calls “bay.” The leather seat is shaped like a saddle, and a horseshoe emblem hides underneath it. It is a scooter dressed as a horse. It is also jewelry for a scooter.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: For the Euro summer you’re having in Ohio.
For Him
For the man who says he doesn’t want anything. He is lying, and he wants the cashmere.
Prada Saffiano Leather Golf Tee Bag Charm $825
It costs more than the clubs. Some of the clubs.
Necessity: 0%
Loro Piana Roadster 1/4-Zip Cashmere Sweater $1,500
It looks like a regular sweater. That is the whole point, and the whole price.
Necessity: 0%
Brunello Cucinelli Suede Baseball Cap $1,000
Do not wear it to an actual baseball game. It cannot get wet.
Necessity: 0%
Bang & Olufsen Beosound 2 Home Speaker $3,500
Plays the same podcast as your phone, but with much better posture.
Necessity: 0%
Jan Leslie Braided Leather Bracelet With Enamel Golf Bag $795
He will still say the words.
Necessity: 0%
Prada Saffiano Leather Backgammon Set $7,400
Rolling doubles has never felt this expensive.
Necessity: 0%
Rimowa Original Medium Check-In Case $1,600
Every dent is a story. Every story is about the airport.
Necessity: 0%
Assouline The Impossible Collection of Cigars $1,400
A book about cigars that costs more than the cigars. He will still need the cigars.
Necessity: 0%
Loro Piana Kids Summer Walk Suede Loafers $725
The child will outgrow them by spring. That is not the point.
Necessity: 0%
For Her
Bags shaped like a fish, a bird, a microphone and a seafood platter. Plus face cream priced like rent.
Bottega Veneta Sardine Bag $34,700
The most expensive tinned fish in the world, and you can’t even eat it.
Necessity: 0%
JW Anderson Pigeon Clutch $960
Finally, a pigeon you’re allowed to bring into the restaurant.
Necessity: 0%
Judith Leiber Couture Dumbbell Crystal Clutch $4,995
The only dumbbell that counts as an accessory and a personality.
Necessity: 0%
Judith Leiber Couture Seacuterie Crystal Clutch $6,295
A seafood tower you can carry. Still not dishwasher safe.
Necessity: 0%
Judith Leiber Couture Microphone Clutch $4,995
For the friend who has never once passed the mic.
Necessity: 0%
Jacquemus The Chiquito Bag $479
Roughly $480 per lipstick. Bring a second bag for your phone.
Necessity: 0%
Maison Francis Kurkdjian Baccarat Rouge 540 Extrait de Parfum $845
Strangers will tell her she smells expensive. They will be correct.
Necessity: 0%
La Mer Crème de la Mer Moisturizer $3,030
Face cream priced like rent. Her face is the tenant.
Necessity: 0%
Olivia von Halle Coco Silk-Satin Pajama Set $820
Too nice to sleep in. She will wear them to answer the door for DoorDash.
Necessity: 0%
Lele Sadoughi Brigitte Crystal Headband $175
Royalty, but make it carpool.
Necessity: 0%
For the Host
Never arrive with a bottle of wine again. Arrive with crystal grapes, a Champagne sword and a suitcase of pasta.
Dolce&Gabbana x Venini Luna Vase $9,895
Do not put flowers in it. Flowers would be redundant.
Necessity: 0%
Judith Leiber Couture Crystal Grapes Clutch $7,195
Technically, you still brought grapes.
Necessity: 0%
Baccarat Octogone Crystal Whiskey Decanter $1,900
Makes $40 whiskey taste like a $1,900 decision.
Necessity: 0%
William Yeoward Crystal Persephone Caviar Server $1,590
The caviar is sold separately. So is the self-control.
Necessity: 0%
Assouline The Impossible Collection of Champagne $1,400
Bring a bottle too. You are not an animal.
Necessity: 0%
Smeg x Dolce&Gabbana 2-Slice Toaster $800
It makes toast. Just toast. Very, very Italian toast.
Necessity: 0%
Fornasetti Silenzio Immaginazione Candle $200
A candle that politely asks your guests to stop talking about crypto.
Necessity: 0%
Ralph Lauren Garret Ice Bucket $350
It holds ice. It also holds the room together.
Necessity: 0%
Dolce&Gabbana x Di Martino Valigetta Midnight Pasta $130
Pasta, packed for travel. Carry-on only.
Necessity: 0%
For the Dog
They can’t read the price tag. That’s the beauty of it.
Prada Re-Nylon and Saffiano Leather Pet Bag $4,700
The dog flies business class. You carry the bag.
Necessity: 0%
Moncler Poldo Reversible Hooded Dog Coat $770
Two coats in one, for a dog with two personalities.
Necessity: 0%
Prada Re-Nylon Puffer Dog Coat With Hood $975
Warmer than anything in your closet. Not for you.
Necessity: 0%
Moncler Genius Poldo Dog Pouch $290
A Moncler pouch for treats and the less glamorous bags.
Necessity: 0%
Prada Re-Nylon Dog Harness $1,120
Your dog will still roll in something. But in Prada.
Necessity: 0%
Stocking Stuffers
Tiny gifts, enormous price tags. A few are actually cheap.
Loro Piana Alpe Cashmere Socks $425
They cost more than most shoes. Do not wear them with most shoes.
Necessity: 0%
Prada Teddy Keychain Charm $925
A teddy bear that costs more than a weekend in Napa. He does not cuddle.
Necessity: 0%
Prada Playing Cards with Leather Case $750
Go Fish has never been this formal.
Necessity: 0%
Bottega Veneta Double Knot Key Ring $390
It will not help you find your keys. It will make losing them more expensive.
Necessity: 0%
Loewe Tomato Leaves Solid Soap $70
$70 to smell like a vegetable garden. Honestly, worth it.
Necessity: 0%
Di Martino x Dolce&Gabbana Hand-Wrapped Ziti $20
It boils exactly like regular pasta. It feels completely different.
Necessity: 0%
Cody Foster & Co Caviar Tin Ornament $15
The only caviar on this website we can afford.
Necessity: 0%
Gauche on a Budget
Gauche is a state of mind, not a net worth. Our under-$100 picks (a disco ball lamp, a pineapple ice bucket, caviar spoons for the caviar you will not be buying) have their own section now. Shop Gauche on a Budget → Want the deep cuts? Read the full guides: for him, for her, for the host and stocking stuffers.
Keep your taste low and your standards high.
Prices and availability are as reported by the linked retailers and may have changed. The Gauche bought none of these. Yet.
