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January is coming. You know what that means: resolutions, gym memberships and the annual realization that the best part of working out is buying things for it.
Luxury houses know this too. They have made yoga mats, water bottles, hair bands and tennis ball cases, all with the logo on, all at prices that should count as cardio.
We ranked the most expensive workout gear by how much working out it actually does. Spoiler: not much. Every item, as always: Necessity: 0%.
The Ranking
1. The Golf Tee Charm (Workout Level: None)
Prada Saffiano Leather Golf Tee Bag Charm $825
A Saffiano leather charm that holds three golf tees and hangs off the golf bag. It never has to move, because the golf cart drives itself.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Holds three tees. Costs more than the clubs.
2. The Tennis Ball Case (Workout Level: Carrying It)
A leather case for tennis balls. Tennis balls come in a can. The can is free.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Your backhand will not improve. Your entrance will.
3. The Hair Bands (Workout Level: Ponytail)
Prada Re-Nylon Hair Bands (Set of 2) $750
Two Prada hair bands in Re-Nylon, the regenerated nylon Prada makes from recycled fishing nets and textile waste. Good for the planet. Less good for the budget.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: $375 per ponytail. The ponytail does not know.
4. The Water Bottle (Workout Level: Sipping)
Prada Stainless Steel Insulated Water Bottle 350ml $195
A 350-milliliter Prada water bottle. That is about 12 ounces of capacity, or roughly $16 per ounce.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Hydration is free. Being seen hydrating is $195.
5. The Ski Jacket, Hers (Workout Level: The Lodge)
Moncler Grenoble Quilted Down Ski Jacket $2,600
Moncler Grenoble is the house’s technical ski line, actually built for the mountain. It will mostly see the mountain through the lodge window, holding a hot chocolate.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Rated for black diamonds. Worn mostly near actual diamonds.
6. The Ski Jacket, His (Workout Level: Talking About Skiing)
Moncler Grenoble Kasanka Down-Filled Ski Jacket $2,900
A down-filled technical ski jacket, for the man who skis twice a season and talks about it for the other ten months.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Après-ski ready. The ski part is optional.
7. The Yoga Mat (Workout Level: Savasana)
Prada Yoga Mat $2,500
A Prada yoga mat. It does exactly what every yoga mat does, which is lie on the floor. To be fair, so will you, for the final five minutes of class.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Downward dog has never been this upwardly mobile.
8. The Running Shoes (Workout Level: Technically Possible)
Loewe x On Cloudtilt Running Shoes $790
The Swiss running brand On, redone by the Spanish leather house Loewe. The same cushioned sole you could genuinely run in, at a Spanish-leather-house price.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Built for a marathon. Will mostly run to brunch.
The Gauche on a Budget Version
The One That Actually Works Out (Workout Level: Real)
Bala Bangles Wrist & Ankle Weights $55
Wrist and ankle weights that look like bracelets, so your workout matches your outfit. They genuinely add resistance, which puts them ahead of everything above.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: The only item here that will make you sore.
The Bottom Line
Nothing on this list will make you fitter. The yoga mat will not do the yoga. The running shoes will not run. The Moncler, to its credit, will keep you very warm in the lodge.
But looking the part is half the battle, and the other half is showing up. For more of the same energy, see Gifts for the Golfer Who Has Everything, or keep it sensible with Gauche on a Budget.
Prices and availability are as reported by the linked retailers and may have changed. The Gauche’s workout this week was carrying shopping bags.
