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Here is what a baby knows about luxury: nothing. A baby does not know what Prada is. A baby does not know what Dior is. A baby would, given the choice, prefer the box the Fendi came in.
And yet the luxury industry has looked at the newest, smallest, least brand-aware humans on Earth and said: these are our customers now.
Here is the designer baby gear for infants who have no idea what any of it is. It is, of course, really for the parents. Every item is rated the same: Necessity: 0%.
The List
The Diaper Bag
Fendi Baby FF Allover Diaper Bag $2,101
A diaper bag covered in Fendi’s FF logo, which Karl Lagerfeld designed in 1965. It is, technically, for the parents, which is why it is first. Mom will carry it to the pediatrician. Dad will carry it to the car and describe it as “basically a messenger bag.”
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: The most expensive thing that will ever have wipes in it.
The Stroller
Bugaboo Fox 5 Complete Stroller $1,299
Bugaboo started as a Dutch design student’s graduation project. It is now the stroller parked outside every brunch spot with a line around the block.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: The baby rides. You push. The stroller gets the compliments.
The Snowsuit
Moncler Enfant Baby Alanie Down Snowsuit $835
Moncler started in 1952 in a mountain village near Grenoble, making down gear for people climbing actual mountains. This one is for someone who cannot yet climb stairs.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: They will outgrow it by February. It will be the best-dressed February of their life.
The Dumbbell
Cunill Sterling Silver Barbell Baby Rattle $480
A sterling silver rattle shaped like a barbell. Baby’s first dumbbell, in solid silver, which, like all silver, will tarnish.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Their first rep. Your first polishing cloth.
The Sneakers (For a Non-Walker)
Gucci Kids Baby Ace Leather Sneakers $410
Gucci’s Ace sneaker, with the green-and-red Web stripe, sized for someone who has not technically started walking.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: $410 of sneakers that will mostly be chewed.
The Cashmere Blanket
Polo Ralph Lauren Baby Cashmere Cable-Knit Blanket $350
A cable-knit cashmere baby blanket from Polo Ralph Lauren, for a person who will drag it across the kitchen floor by Tuesday.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Dry clean only. Nothing else in a baby’s life is.
The Baby Perfume
Baby Dior Bonne Étoile Scented Water $230
Yes, Dior makes perfume for babies. It is a scented water made for babies and children, from the house that opened its first Baby Dior boutique in 1967.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: Babies already smell incredible. Dior would like a word.
The Booties (One Will Be Lost)
Polo Ralph Lauren Baby Cashmere Beanie & Booties Gift Set $150
A cashmere beanie and matching booties. One of the booties will be lost within a week. This is not a prediction. It is a law of physics.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: $75 per bootie, and you will only ever find one.
The Gauche on a Budget Version
The Bodysuits That Actually Get Worn
Carter’s Baby Short Sleeve Bodysuits, 5-Pack $30
Carter’s has been making baby clothes since 1865. Five bodysuits for thirty dollars, and they survive the washing machine, which is more than we can say for the cashmere.
Necessity: 0%
Verdict: The baby will look exactly as cute. We checked.
The Bottom Line
A baby will not remember the cashmere. They will not remember the Gucci sneakers. They will remember, if anything, your face, and maybe a ceiling fan.
But you will remember. And the photos will look incredible. For older kids with expensive taste, see Gifts for the Kid Who Has Everything.
Prices and availability are as reported by the linked retailers and may have changed. No babies were consulted for this article. They would have chosen the box.
